Only God

Just last Sunday Clay and I still did not know the sex of our baby. I would say that the great majority of our friends and family (not to mention the Chinese Pregnancy Calendar) thought and/or predicted that we were having a girl, so it came as quite a surprise when we found out that he is actually a baby boy!
Looking at our baby through the ultrasound was an amazing experience, hardly worth the words to describe it. Seeing all four chambers of his heart, his spine, his brain, his hands and feet with tiny fingers and toes, his movement... I loved watching him move his arms and feet, changing positions; my favorite part was watching him pull his elbows and knees in as he got cozy in the "fetal position". The moment she told us he was a boy I couldn't hold back the tears. I couldn't help but imagine the future, wondering about his personality, his looks, his abilities and gifts... I was humbled by the evaluation that thus far, he is a perfectly healthy baby. It is only God. I am completely in awe of the work of God, knitting our child together as only He can. Only God is all-knowing and all-powerful and perfect in everything He does. No purpose of His can be thwarted.
Now that we know his sex, we almost feel as if we know more of his personality. I have begun feeling him move, not necessarily feeling a kick or an elbow, but movement in general. I have described it as feeling like an eye twitch, or any muscle twitch for that matter, only in my abdomen. I feel it several times a day, mostly when I am sitting still in my desk at work or lying down watching tv or sleeping. Matter of fact, I just felt him twice as soon as I wrote that. Even though the feeling is so small, it is still exciting knowing that it is him.
And I am DEFINITELY starting to pooch. I get such varied responses-- some saying that I hardly look like I'm showing at all, others saying that I'm pooching more than they thought I would. So, who knows? I certainly can't fit in my pre-pregnancy clothes, but maternity clothes still swallow me. It has been so frustrating trying to find something to wear every day! And yet I can't and don't want to complain because I'm just SO excited about our baby boy! I'll do whatever it takes!
Oh, and speaking of that, I am done with the nauseous feelings! Praise the Lord! That was one of the hardest things I have experienced, but it is absolutely worth it, without question.
I guess that's all for today...

13 weeks

I am trying to be better about blogging more consistently, but this is a hard season to achieve that goal. I feel so sick almost all day every day. Other than this being one of the most exciting, most anticipated, most wonderful things that has happened to me, it has also been the hardest thing I have ever experienced physically. It has been harder than chronic headaches and migraines, harder than my heart racing at 250 beats/minute randomly over the course of several years (and the procedure that fixed it), harder than any of the viruses, food poisonings, car/sea sicknesses, etc... I think the reason it has been harder than any of these things is the length and extent of the sickness. I have felt almost constantly nauseated for 8 weeks now. I feel almost no relief except when I have food in my mouth or when I manage to fall asleep. It is hard to complain about it, though, because I am thrilled about what it means, about the sweet baby growing in my tummy. If I must endure this nausea in order for God to accomplish His purposes for our child, I am more than happy to. God is growing a human, our child that He has chosen for us, in my body. He is forming it, feeding it, protecting it... through me. That is all that gets me through; that, and knowing that more than likely the end of the nausea is near. I am 13 weeks today, and most people have told me they began feeling better between 14-17 weeks or so. I can't wait for that day for myself!
Other than the nausea and fatigue, pregnancy is slow to show itself! I am not "showing" yet; I notice a "bump" and that some of my pants are getting a little tight, but no one else can see it yet. I do not yet feel the baby move (it is supposedly only about the size of a lime right now), and that may still be several weeks away. I can't wait to hear the heartbeat again next week at the doctor!
Other than pregnancy, Clay and I are gradually getting settled in our new home. We have painted 4 of the last 5 weekends; all we have left is what will be the nursery. It has been the perfect time to be couped inside painting (or being sick) because of this FREEZING and miserable weather! I am already so ready for Spring and Summer!

Made

I am pregnant...and we can finally tell everyone! We found out the day we moved, December 21st, that I am pregnant. I had to blink my eyes several times to be sure of what I was seeing on the pregnancy test. Yes, two lines. Two lines! All of a sudden I forgot everything I had learned while working at OBGYN, South during the last two years. Did two lines mean positive or negative? I called Clay at work and told him I thought I was pregnant. I was shaking I was so excited; I was pacing the floor. We celebrated together for a few minutes.
I called my friend and confidant at OBGYN, South, and she confirmed that two lines was indeed positive! Dr. Ross, my OBGYN, wanted me to sneak in the office later that afternoon for a quick peek on the ultrasound. During the ultrasound we saw a tiny black circle in my uterus... it was my growing womb. I was only approximately four weeks along, but I was pregnant!
We packed our entire townhouse (except for our mattress) into the moving van that night. The next morning we began cleaning and unpacking into our new house. We could not have accomplished everything we did without the help of our family and friends. We spent one night in our new house and left the next morning for Christmas with my family in Columbus. We were not planning on telling anyone about the pregnancy for several weeks, but Julie, my sister, came across a picture of my positive pregnancy test on our digital camera. Oops. We decided to tell my family that night; we wrapped the ultrasound picture like a present for my mom to open. Everyone was so excited!
The next afternoon we left Columbus and headed to Clanton to share the news with Clay's family. We visited and ate with them as if nothing was going to happen. Near the end of the night, we gave his mom a "thank you present for helping us move". When she opened the box, she could not speak because she was so excited she was crying. Once again, everyone was so excited!
Other than telling our families and a few close friends, we have kept this incredible news to ourselves for 6 weeks! We heard the baby's heartbeat on Monday, a healthy 174 beats/minute, and decided it was time to share the news with everyone! We are so excited and already feel that this child is a gift from the Lord. I cannot wait to meet him or her! I read every week about the progress and development of the baby. It is hard to believe that there is a tiny human growing inside of me; the baby has hands and fingers, can move his/her elbows and knees... It is such a miracle. Psalm 139 has never rang more true:
"For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made.
Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
My frame was not hidden from you,
when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
Your eyes saw my unformed substance;
in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me
when as yet there were none of them."
(v.13-16)

I am thankful that He is Sovereign and I am not.
I have been very nauseated since 5 1/2 weeks; that part is very hard. I HATE food, but it is the only thing that makes me feel better. I pretty much don't like any food unless it hits me right at the moment. There isn't one particular thing I have craved, but I like salty rather than sweet, which is very unusual for me. I feel worse at night than any other time of day; I can hardly sleep I am so nauseated. I CAN'T WAIT for the nausea to subside. The only thing that gets me through the nausea is knowing I'm enduring it for our baby. I would rather be sick and have a healthy baby than not.
Well, I've written enough for tonight... there are so many thoughts and feelings...

Believe

I wonder how many times in our lives we have missed out on God's mighty works because of our unbelief. I am currently reading through the Gospel of Matthew, and I paused when I read the words, "And He did not do many mighty works there, because of their unbelief" (ch. 13, v. 58). Those in Jesus's own hometown could not/would not believe Him, honor Him, and even took offense at Him. They were prideful, not wanting to give Him authority over them. They thought He was one of them; He became "one of them" in order to reach them. He was and is GOD. He can do mighty works here, if we believe.

Mark tells the story of a father who comes to Jesus, asking Him to heal his son, saying, "...if you can do anything, have compassion on us and help us. And Jesus said to him, 'If you can! All things are possible for one who believes.' Immediately the father of the child cried out and said, 'I believe; help my unbelief!'" We do believe; we must also ask God for faith and belief in our weakness and frailty. He gives us the gift of saving faith; we must exercise our faith and belief in Him daily by knowing Him through His Word.

Been a While

Very long time, no blog. For those of you who actually read my words, I'm sorry! So very much has happened since I last wrote here. The most life-changing thing that has happened is leaving my job as a medical assistant at OBGYN, South to accept a position as the Women's Ministry Coordinator Assistant at Briarwood. Someone today was asking me why I left my job, so I told her it was a God thing, and it was. His perfect timing, His mysterious will, the way He works all things together. Although I miss my friends and the familiarity of OBGYN, South, I am so happy to be back at Briarwood, serving the women of the church-- doing what I am passionate about, and using the gifts and abilities that God has given me.
I have to leave for church already-- I was hoping to write more during this time but hopefully I will return to this sooner than later this time.

Broken Things

It's midnight here in Columbus (I'm here for my nephew Christopher's 6th birthday), and I'm so tired that my eyes are stinging. I'm staying up just a few minutes longer to put down some thoughts on this frustrating day.
The Lord is clearly doing something in Clay's and my life. We have spent, so far, $2500 on car repairs in the last two months. I say "so far" because there is a good chance we may be forced to spend even more tomorrow. Since buying my Volvo, it seems to have been one repair after another-- big problems, not minor ones. It is confusing and frustrating because buying the Volvo was a prayerful decision; we felt as if we were led to this specific car for several reasons. But why would the Lord lead us to a car that, so far, appears to be a LEMON? I confess that I do not understand His ways. Clay and I have worked so hard over the last two years to get ourselves out of debt, to be good stewards, our finances pleasing to the Lord. And He has been a very faithful Provider, enabling us to do so. The moment we were debt free, the car troubles seemed to multiply-- both cars needing extensive repairs and maintenance. Yesterday, hundreds on the Volvo; today, hundreds on the Honda, and more Volvo malfunction on my way to Columbus. Every time I turn the ignition, I feel anxious about which malfunction light will light up. Will it be the "maintenance required"? Or the "check engine"? Or the "service"?
So, the spiritual wrestling over financial hardship continues. Why is the Lord allowing this? He could prevent these problems if He desired, but He does not. They continue, persistently and quickly. What is He teaching us? That we should not put our trust in money? That His plans are more important than ours? That He will graciously provide each and every time? To praise Him and be thankful in everything? Could this be spiritual warfare since deciding to go on the Puerto Rico Mission Trip, raising support to do so? Verses flood my mind: "Do not be anxious for anything...", "My God shall supply all your need according to His glorious riches...", "Do not love the world or anything in the world...", and on and on.
I know that He has never failed us yet. I know of no Christian He has failed. He has provided, as only He can, in each hardship and circumstance-- the house, each car issue, for our Mission Trip, for a wonderful trip to California, to free us from debt, with extra income and gracious gifts from others. I do believe that He is in control, that He is good, and faithful, and gracious, and merciful... I believe that He is Holy, that He desires holiness in us, that He will do what it takes to make us more like Christ and less like the world...
"Those times when the Lord graciously invited my testing and even more graciously proved true and firm have furnished anchor points in my faith. My faith has become less mine and more His-- and all the more reliable for that", wrote Janie Cheaney in an article I am sure I supernaturally came across this afternoon.

Out of the Wind

Ok... One more entry about Mere Christianity, and I promise it will be the last. I know there has only been one other, but I recognize that those of you who read my blog may tire of it more quickly than I. As a matter of fact, I just finished the book, and I recommend it. So here's the quote that seemed to make a strong enough impression on me that I'd like to share it:

"The real problem of the Christian life comes where people do not usually look for it. It comes
the very moment you wake up each morning. All your wishes and hopes for the day rush at
you like wild animals. And the first job each morning consists simply in shoving them all back;
in listening to that other voice, taking that other point of view, letting that other, larger,
stronger, quieter life come flowing in. And so on, all day. Standing back from all your natural
fussings and frettings; coming in out of the wind."

From these moments the new life will spread through us. We must hand over our whole selves to Christ. We cannot remain ourselves. For C.S. Lewis, this is the whole of Christianity. There is nothing else.

Clay and I are watching the American Idol Finale, cheering on Taylor Hicks, so I'll keep this one short. SOUL PATROL!

I am reading C.S. Lewis's Mere Christianity and cannot help but share some of the profound insights he presents...
He says, "When the real want for Heaven is present in us, we do not recognise it. Most people, if they had really learned to look into their own hearts, would know that they do want, and want acutely, something that cannot be had in this world. There are all sorts of things in this world that offer to give it to you, but they never quite keep their promise. The longings which arise in us when we first fall in love, or first think of some foreign country, or first take up some subject that excites us, are longings which no marriage, no travel, no learning, can really satisfy... There was something we grasped at, in that first moment of longing, which just fades away in the reality."
And continues, "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probably explanation is that I was made for another world... Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing."
He encourages us, on the one hand, to be thankful for these earthly blessings, but on the other, to understand that they are only a copy, or echo of "that other country".
I myself find this to be true, to resonate so deeply and clearly in my own heart and life. Even in the best possible experiences-- the best marriages, most excellent travel, most interesting learning-- something has evaded us. It is my desire for my true home, which I shall not find until after death. I must press on to that place. As a Christian, I was meant to look forward to eternity. Praise the Lord for this Hope!

More Than Three

my view of discipleship was challenged and changed at the graduates and career leadership meeting last night. during Christ's ministry on earth, there were roughly 70 people that followed Him from a distance, 12 that were called His disciples, 3 that were named His "inner circle", and 1 who was His "beloved". my previous opinion of discipleship was that it involved only the 3 in the inner circle, the "life on life" discipleship mentality, when in fact, according to the Bible, a disciple is a follower of Christ. therefore, the 70 were being discipled by Christ, and the 12, and even those individuals such as the woman at the well, nicodemus... all of those who had an encounter with Christ and chose to follow Him were being discipled by Him! while the "life on life" (the 3) may in fact be the most crucial form of discipleship in terms of impact on the world, this more wholistic view is true biblical discipleship. how this can challenge and change and encourage our effort to disciple those the Holy Spirit may lead us to!
on a different note, today is the iron bowl... WAR EAGLE!

the leaves and the tree

i have been wanting to and meaning to update my blog for quite some time now... i don't know how time slips by so quickly-- there is hardly time to sit still, to reflect, to share, to live deliberately. there are so many things i want to do with my unscheduled time-- phone calls to important people in my life that i do not talk to enough, projects for our house that i want to start or finish, sitting here in front of the computer sharing my life, reading one of the tens of books i want to read... i wish there were more days in the week or more hours in the day!
it was very interesting that last night clay and i were talking about how humbled and blessed and thankful we are to have such rich fellowship in our lives and that as i was reading The Calvary Road before falling asleep, that very issue was addressed again. "as the spokes get nearer the center of the wheel [God], they get nearer to one another." 1st John insists on testing the depth and reality of our fellowship with God by the depth and reality of our fellowship with our brothers. the only way to find real fellowship with God and man is to live out in the open with both.
how easy it is for us hide our inner selves, to put on appearances, to excuse ourselves... and how difficult to give up our privacy, our pride, our reputations in the name of transparency. when we do not share the truth about ourselves with God and others we end up not knowing the truth about ourselves.
how thankful i am for my monday night girls, for the fact that we are open and honest with one another about our lives, our fears and disappointments and sins, and that we walk away strengthened, encouraged, and challenged as a result (and "funny" that we were just talking about that this week).
i remember jim doggett talking about christian fellowship on the singles retreat two weeks ago, describing it in terms of a fall tree. each individual leaf is unattractive-- not brilliant, full of holes on its own-- but the whole is tremendous, working together to create something brilliant and breathtaking. may we work together in this way.

on your mark...

my first blog... i have been turning down the idea of a blog, or online diary for quite some time now-- i am pretty much stuck in my ways by now, the way of paper journals and ink. but i have finally decided to give this thing a shot, mostly because i hope it will be another way that family and friends can know me. i would like to share my experiences, thoughts, and feelings-- trials i endure, decisions i make, lessons i learn, encouragement i encounter... in order that: a) i myself may process through and keep record of these things, and b) hopefully encourage or comfort or challenge even one person who may read these words of mine. ultimately, i hope that it will be to the glory of God in some way. and so i begin...