Change

I read this article yesterday about 30 things that change when you have a baby, and some of them I identified with so completely. Here are my top 10:

1. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. I have shared with many people that I always considered myself a very confident, competent, and capable person until Clayton came along. I have never felt more insecure, inadequate, intimidated, anxious and afraid than I did those first several weeks. As a matter of fact, just earlier today I was chatting with a friend who is also a new mom about how we never knew there was so much to worry about being a mom.

2. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices. I gave up a great job, thus giving up extra income we had grown accustomed to having. And yet just yesterday I was telling another friend who is a young mom that I would give up almost any comfort or pleasure that money can buy in order to be able to stay at home with Clayton each day. I'd rather buy a bouncy seat than those shoes I've been dying to have. I gave up sleep. It is amazing that even after he has kept me up most of the night, it is still the most wonderful thing in the world to wake up to Clayton's smiles and coos every morning. I have given up "freedom" and flexibility, but I don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. I wouldn't change anything for all the world.

3. You respect your parents and love them in a new way. I had NO idea the commitment, love, sacrifices, etc. that being a parent requires. It is both the best and the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to think it was hard being the child, being trained and disciplined. Ha. I'm afraid it is one of those things you just can't know until you are a parent yourself. Clayton will not know until he becomes a dad, but that's okay. A million thanks, mom and dad.

4. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own. I can't tell you how many times I have sat on this couch and cried because he is crying. It is amazing to me how deeply tender my heart feels toward Clayton. I would willingly and gladly take his pain if there were some way I could. It broke my heart when I accidentally cut his finger as I was cutting his fingernails the first time. Oops!

5. Your heart breaks much more easily. My heart not only feels deeply tender toward Clayton, but more tender in general. It breaks my heart to think of orphans, children who suffer, God the Father sending his ONLY Son to suffer and die for me...

6. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day. (That's literally the number the author of the article wrote-- not just something I exagerrated). How true this is! Taking a shower is a luxury. You even look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself. I don't have time to think about myself anymore, but I guess that's not such a bad thing!

7. Every day is a surprise. Yes, it is. Someone recently told me that as soon as you think you have your child figured out, he changes. I learned this a couple of weeks ago when Clayton, who had been fairly predictable up to that point, decided to change his nap patterns dramatically. Adaptability and flexibility are very important traits for a mommy to possess. I am learning every day.

8. You become a morning person. Whether you like it or not... I love to sleep. I always have loved to sleep. I miss sleep. I am intimately acquainted with each hour of the late night and early morning-- 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m... I now know where the sun comes from each morning. I laugh to myself when I roll over at 3:30 a.m. after hearing Clayton squirming and fussing and see him WIDE EYED. I don't love him one bit less for it.

9. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power. Clay and Clayton are the loves of my life. I have never before known love like this; it is fierce.

10. You discover strength you never thought you had. It is nothing but the grace of the Lord that gets me through each day and night. He gives me strength, patience, perseverance, wisdom, knowledge... "His grace is sufficient for my weakness".

Covenant Promises

Yesterday I heard a sermon on the subject of parenthood/children for the first time as a parent, and I was very encouraged. The text was Isaiah 44:1-5, concerning God's promises to those who believe and trust in Him:

"But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen!
Thus says the Lord who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you:
Fear not, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun whom I have chosen.
For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.
They shall spring up among the grass like willows by flowing streams.
This one will say, 'I am the Lord's,' another will call on the name of Jacob,
and another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's,' and name himself by the name of Israel."

The implications of these verses for my life are:
1. I should not fear my children's future. Why? Because I am chosen. "Fear not, O Jacob..." Even in the midst of things looking like a drought, fear not, because He will "... pour water on the thirsty land..." Has He not shown His faithfulness so many times before?
2. I should earnestly pray my (and Clay's) spiritual legacy into effect. v.3 says, "I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants." Pray this promise back to the Father. God loves mercy; He loves it more than law.
3. I ought to depend on the Holy Spirit as the Source of my children's blessing and spiritual growth. It is not our rules or church culture that blesses them and causes them to grow; it is the Holy Spirit. He will use me (and Clay) as His instruments, but it is not up to us. What the Father arranged, the Son purchased, the Holy Spirit seals. The Spirit gives us Himself. We need the Holy Spirit like we need the rain.
4. I may eventually let go of my children with hope. The Lord is sufficient for them; I am not. This is His world. When our children are born of the Holy Spirit, they will act according to their true nature. I can let go. According to v.4, look what they do when they have the Holy Spirit-- they own it. I can trust God with them.
5. Every generation needs a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit-- this is what our children need most.

I am so thankful for and humbled by the Lord's promises to His children. I can live without fear because He is in control and He is faithful. Not only that, but "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature..." (2 Peter 1:3-4). I thank the Lord for Jesus, for His promises, for the blessing of Clayton and hopefully one day, more children.

Learning the Hard Way

As a mother, one of the hardest things to do is listen to your baby cry. It is both heart-wrenching and nerve-wracking. I listened to Clayton cry-- hard-- for about 20 minutes this afternoon. He had been taking a nap and woke up crying, I assume, because he lost his pacifier. I did not immediately rush in because I know that babies go through sleep cycles, and I wanted to give him a chance to fall back asleep if that was the case. After 5 minutes of moderate crying, I went in his room and knelt by his bassinet to give him his paci, pat him and calm him. He never stopped crying, but calmed down a bit so I left the room again in hopes that he would tire out and fall asleep quickly. I listened to harder crying for 5 more minutes. It was excruciating to me. I wanted to "fix it" so bad, whatever "it" was. I wanted to cuddle and hold and comfort him. But I knew that what he really needed was sleep. His needs had been met-- he had eaten, had a clean diaper, was not cold or hot... He was exhausted. And he just does not know how to fall asleep on his own. He needs to be taught, needs to figure it out. He also needs to feel safe and secure. It is so hard trying to strike this balance. After those 5 more minutes of crying, I went in to comfort and soothe him again. This time he actually stopped crying, so I left the room, again hoping that he would fall asleep. As soon as I shut the door, he started crying again-- even harder this time. I thought surely after 5 more minutes, he would fall sound asleep. I would not let him cry more than 15 minutes without finally picking him up, rocking, cuddling, calming and comforting him. He was still crying after 5 minutes, 15 minutes total, so I was relieved to pick him up. He was immediately calm in my arms. Everything about him settled-- his tears stopped, his breathing slowed, his body relaxed.

I recount this story not simply to tell a story, but because my eyes were once again opened to the spiritual side of things. Just as Clayton getting shots was best for him, I knew that sleep was what was best for him this afternoon. I knew that on the other side of those tears was rest. I knew that if he could push through whatever "pain" he was experiencing, he would get exactly what he needed. And I knew that the only way for him to get there was through the "pain". He cannot always be rocked and cuddled to sleep; he must learn the skill of sleep for himself. I cannot do it for him. I wish I could, but I cannot.

Once again, I see myself in this experience with Clayton. And I see the Lord. I see that He has had to let me "cry it out", to experience pain and confusion in order to develop and grow me. He has had to teach me skills that I could only learn through "crying". And on the other side of tears, I look back and see exactly why He allowed what He did without intervening. And I know it hurt His heart to listen to me cry, but He knew it was best. I am thankful that He knows best and that I can trust Him. He is good and faithful-- He works all things for my good and His glory.
Several of these lessons include:

• Allowing financial difficulty (cars that are lemons, houses with mold and foundation problems, etc.) to teach me that He will provide for our needs. I struggled through these things but found His goodness and faithfulness through His provision.


• Allowing Clayton and I to struggle through problems with breastfeeding to teach me about hope and faith and perseverance... I understand the Gospel more because of that trial.


• Allowing various changes in my life to teach me about dependence, contentment, His sovereignty...

In each of these things, and many more, I not only know myself better, but I know Him better. And that is my life, "that I may KNOW Christ".

Halloween

There has always been something about Clayton that reminds Clay and I of Curious George-- the way he wrinkles his forehead and opens wide his eyes, his hairline (the one he used to have before he lost his hair)-- so, what else would he be for his first Halloween than Curious George?! When we put him in the costume I laughed so hard I cried; he was so cute and it was perfect for him! Clayton's first Halloween was more about Clay and I enjoying dressing him up than it was Clayton enjoying himself; we look forward to future Halloweens.