Merry Christmas

Christmas is always a special time of year-- reflecting on and celebrating the birth of our Savior, Jesus Christ, enjoying fellowship with friends, spending extended time with family, observing old traditions and starting new ones... I treasure many moments and memories of this time of year...

It is interesting to look back at Christmas one year ago... I found out I was pregnant on December 21st, 2006. I remember vividly certain times last Christmas season wanting so badly to have a child, all the while being pregnant and not yet knowing it. I laugh at the irony of playing Mary in the Walk-Thru Nativity at Briarwood, in the scene where the angel Gabriel tells Mary that she will conceive and bear a son. I remember trying to keep the exciting news a secret until it was "safe" to tell and my sister, Julie, finding a picture of my positive pregnancy test on my digital camera, thus prompting the telling of my family on Christmas day and Clay's family the day after Christmas. I remember praying that the Lord would give us a son. It was so much fun looking back and remembering those things this Christmas...

Clay and I had so much fun celebrating Clayton's first Christmas this year-- picking out our Christmas tree as a family, letting him sit on Santa's lap and getting his picture made with Santa, taking him to look at Christmas lights (even though he was dead asleep in the carseat), taking him to the Walk-Thru Nativity, going to Zoolight Safari, to the Christmas Eve Candelight service, filling his stocking, looking to see what Santa brought on Christmas morning... It is so much fun having a kid at Christmas-- even one who does not understand anything about Christmas yet.

Here are some pictures of some of the memories we made this Christmas:

The family at Zoolight Safari

Curiously looking at the animals and lights at Zoolight Safari

Such a little man in his button-up Polo

Christmas morning

Clayton is excited about his first Pez he found in his stocking. The Conner tradition lives on...

I absolutely love this profile picture. Clayton is staring down one of the toys on his new exersaucer.

Clayton smiling at GG; look at that dimple!

Santa!

Clayton and his friend Matthew Pattillo sat on Santa's lap for the very first time today! Clayton was very brave; he did not cry, and Matthew slept through the experience. I think he might have told Santa that he wants an exersaucer and a doorway Jumper for Christmas. As with most things Clayton has experienced for the first time, I think mommy enjoyed it more than he did!

Grace

In the middle of my almost sleepless night, the Lord brought to my mind the miracle of the Feeding of the Five Thousand. Jesus met the physical need of hunger in the lives of those 5000 plus people. He took little and made it much; He took a small provision and made it an abundance. It was not only enough to meet their needs, but more than enough. I believe that He can do the same with and for me, regarding my physical need for sleep. He can take what little sleep I get and make it not only enough, but more than enough.

Thanksgiving

I have not had a chance to post pictures from Thanksgiving yet because our camera battery died and we thought we had lost the battery charger; we found the charger...

Among many other things, Clay and I are so thankful for the gift of Clayton in our lives this Thanksgiving. There are no words sufficient to express the thankfulness and love in our hearts.

Mommy loves him...

Aunt Julie and Clayton

Cousins Chris and Carter adore "baby Clayton" and can't wait until he can play with them. I have no doubt Clayton will adore them one day soon as well.

Chris and Carter made microphones out of Tinker Toys and sang Happy Birthday to Clayton because it was his 13 week birthday. They also sang the Auburn fight song-- War Eagle!

I went shopping with Julie on "Black Friday" and found this adorable hat to keep Clayton's very bald head warm during the winter. He looks a little unsure about it...

Chris and Carter each wore one of these wigs to the Auburn v. Alabama game. We didn't want Clayton to feel left out so we tried it on him. Poor guy, mommy and daddy laughing at him and he doesn't even understand why!

Change

I read this article yesterday about 30 things that change when you have a baby, and some of them I identified with so completely. Here are my top 10:

1. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. I have shared with many people that I always considered myself a very confident, competent, and capable person until Clayton came along. I have never felt more insecure, inadequate, intimidated, anxious and afraid than I did those first several weeks. As a matter of fact, just earlier today I was chatting with a friend who is also a new mom about how we never knew there was so much to worry about being a mom.

2. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices. I gave up a great job, thus giving up extra income we had grown accustomed to having. And yet just yesterday I was telling another friend who is a young mom that I would give up almost any comfort or pleasure that money can buy in order to be able to stay at home with Clayton each day. I'd rather buy a bouncy seat than those shoes I've been dying to have. I gave up sleep. It is amazing that even after he has kept me up most of the night, it is still the most wonderful thing in the world to wake up to Clayton's smiles and coos every morning. I have given up "freedom" and flexibility, but I don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. I wouldn't change anything for all the world.

3. You respect your parents and love them in a new way. I had NO idea the commitment, love, sacrifices, etc. that being a parent requires. It is both the best and the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to think it was hard being the child, being trained and disciplined. Ha. I'm afraid it is one of those things you just can't know until you are a parent yourself. Clayton will not know until he becomes a dad, but that's okay. A million thanks, mom and dad.

4. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own. I can't tell you how many times I have sat on this couch and cried because he is crying. It is amazing to me how deeply tender my heart feels toward Clayton. I would willingly and gladly take his pain if there were some way I could. It broke my heart when I accidentally cut his finger as I was cutting his fingernails the first time. Oops!

5. Your heart breaks much more easily. My heart not only feels deeply tender toward Clayton, but more tender in general. It breaks my heart to think of orphans, children who suffer, God the Father sending his ONLY Son to suffer and die for me...

6. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day. (That's literally the number the author of the article wrote-- not just something I exagerrated). How true this is! Taking a shower is a luxury. You even look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself. I don't have time to think about myself anymore, but I guess that's not such a bad thing!

7. Every day is a surprise. Yes, it is. Someone recently told me that as soon as you think you have your child figured out, he changes. I learned this a couple of weeks ago when Clayton, who had been fairly predictable up to that point, decided to change his nap patterns dramatically. Adaptability and flexibility are very important traits for a mommy to possess. I am learning every day.

8. You become a morning person. Whether you like it or not... I love to sleep. I always have loved to sleep. I miss sleep. I am intimately acquainted with each hour of the late night and early morning-- 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m... I now know where the sun comes from each morning. I laugh to myself when I roll over at 3:30 a.m. after hearing Clayton squirming and fussing and see him WIDE EYED. I don't love him one bit less for it.

9. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power. Clay and Clayton are the loves of my life. I have never before known love like this; it is fierce.

10. You discover strength you never thought you had. It is nothing but the grace of the Lord that gets me through each day and night. He gives me strength, patience, perseverance, wisdom, knowledge... "His grace is sufficient for my weakness".

Covenant Promises

Yesterday I heard a sermon on the subject of parenthood/children for the first time as a parent, and I was very encouraged. The text was Isaiah 44:1-5, concerning God's promises to those who believe and trust in Him:

"But now hear, O Jacob my servant, Israel whom I have chosen!
Thus says the Lord who made you, who formed you from the womb and will help you:
Fear not, O Jacob my servant, Jeshurun whom I have chosen.
For I will pour water on the thirsty land, and streams on the dry ground;
I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants.
They shall spring up among the grass like willows by flowing streams.
This one will say, 'I am the Lord's,' another will call on the name of Jacob,
and another will write on his hand, 'The Lord's,' and name himself by the name of Israel."

The implications of these verses for my life are:
1. I should not fear my children's future. Why? Because I am chosen. "Fear not, O Jacob..." Even in the midst of things looking like a drought, fear not, because He will "... pour water on the thirsty land..." Has He not shown His faithfulness so many times before?
2. I should earnestly pray my (and Clay's) spiritual legacy into effect. v.3 says, "I will pour my Spirit upon your offspring, and my blessing on your descendants." Pray this promise back to the Father. God loves mercy; He loves it more than law.
3. I ought to depend on the Holy Spirit as the Source of my children's blessing and spiritual growth. It is not our rules or church culture that blesses them and causes them to grow; it is the Holy Spirit. He will use me (and Clay) as His instruments, but it is not up to us. What the Father arranged, the Son purchased, the Holy Spirit seals. The Spirit gives us Himself. We need the Holy Spirit like we need the rain.
4. I may eventually let go of my children with hope. The Lord is sufficient for them; I am not. This is His world. When our children are born of the Holy Spirit, they will act according to their true nature. I can let go. According to v.4, look what they do when they have the Holy Spirit-- they own it. I can trust God with them.
5. Every generation needs a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit-- this is what our children need most.

I am so thankful for and humbled by the Lord's promises to His children. I can live without fear because He is in control and He is faithful. Not only that, but "His divine power has granted to us all things that pertain to life and godliness, through the knowledge of him who called us to his own glory and excellence, by which he has granted to us his precious and very great promises, so that through them you may become partakers of the divine nature..." (2 Peter 1:3-4). I thank the Lord for Jesus, for His promises, for the blessing of Clayton and hopefully one day, more children.

Learning the Hard Way

As a mother, one of the hardest things to do is listen to your baby cry. It is both heart-wrenching and nerve-wracking. I listened to Clayton cry-- hard-- for about 20 minutes this afternoon. He had been taking a nap and woke up crying, I assume, because he lost his pacifier. I did not immediately rush in because I know that babies go through sleep cycles, and I wanted to give him a chance to fall back asleep if that was the case. After 5 minutes of moderate crying, I went in his room and knelt by his bassinet to give him his paci, pat him and calm him. He never stopped crying, but calmed down a bit so I left the room again in hopes that he would tire out and fall asleep quickly. I listened to harder crying for 5 more minutes. It was excruciating to me. I wanted to "fix it" so bad, whatever "it" was. I wanted to cuddle and hold and comfort him. But I knew that what he really needed was sleep. His needs had been met-- he had eaten, had a clean diaper, was not cold or hot... He was exhausted. And he just does not know how to fall asleep on his own. He needs to be taught, needs to figure it out. He also needs to feel safe and secure. It is so hard trying to strike this balance. After those 5 more minutes of crying, I went in to comfort and soothe him again. This time he actually stopped crying, so I left the room, again hoping that he would fall asleep. As soon as I shut the door, he started crying again-- even harder this time. I thought surely after 5 more minutes, he would fall sound asleep. I would not let him cry more than 15 minutes without finally picking him up, rocking, cuddling, calming and comforting him. He was still crying after 5 minutes, 15 minutes total, so I was relieved to pick him up. He was immediately calm in my arms. Everything about him settled-- his tears stopped, his breathing slowed, his body relaxed.

I recount this story not simply to tell a story, but because my eyes were once again opened to the spiritual side of things. Just as Clayton getting shots was best for him, I knew that sleep was what was best for him this afternoon. I knew that on the other side of those tears was rest. I knew that if he could push through whatever "pain" he was experiencing, he would get exactly what he needed. And I knew that the only way for him to get there was through the "pain". He cannot always be rocked and cuddled to sleep; he must learn the skill of sleep for himself. I cannot do it for him. I wish I could, but I cannot.

Once again, I see myself in this experience with Clayton. And I see the Lord. I see that He has had to let me "cry it out", to experience pain and confusion in order to develop and grow me. He has had to teach me skills that I could only learn through "crying". And on the other side of tears, I look back and see exactly why He allowed what He did without intervening. And I know it hurt His heart to listen to me cry, but He knew it was best. I am thankful that He knows best and that I can trust Him. He is good and faithful-- He works all things for my good and His glory.
Several of these lessons include:

• Allowing financial difficulty (cars that are lemons, houses with mold and foundation problems, etc.) to teach me that He will provide for our needs. I struggled through these things but found His goodness and faithfulness through His provision.


• Allowing Clayton and I to struggle through problems with breastfeeding to teach me about hope and faith and perseverance... I understand the Gospel more because of that trial.


• Allowing various changes in my life to teach me about dependence, contentment, His sovereignty...

In each of these things, and many more, I not only know myself better, but I know Him better. And that is my life, "that I may KNOW Christ".

Halloween

There has always been something about Clayton that reminds Clay and I of Curious George-- the way he wrinkles his forehead and opens wide his eyes, his hairline (the one he used to have before he lost his hair)-- so, what else would he be for his first Halloween than Curious George?! When we put him in the costume I laughed so hard I cried; he was so cute and it was perfect for him! Clayton's first Halloween was more about Clay and I enjoying dressing him up than it was Clayton enjoying himself; we look forward to future Halloweens.

Two Months Old

It finally feels more like fall today-- the breeze is slightly cool, the sky is grey, the leaves are beginning to change color and fall... So Clayton and I headed outside for a few minutes to enjoy.

Rocking Chair Thoughts

Clayton had his 2 month check-up this morning, which means he had his first round of vaccines. Four shots, two needles in each thigh. He screamed and cried one of those cries that breaks your heart and makes you nervous at the same time-- bright red face, holding his breath, vibrating in the back of his throat until he lets it all out cry. That cry didn't last long this morning; as soon as the nurse was finished, he finished too, and fell sound asleep. This afternoon, however, is another story. He screamed and cried that pitiful cry for 45 minutes or so, until I was able to rock him to sleep.

As I was rocking him I began to think about how we, as God's children, and He, as our Father, must be much like this scenario. See, I know that Clayton needs those shots to stay healthy, that they are in his best interest. In addition, I have experienced the pain of shots; I understand how he feels. I also know, because I have experienced it, that the pain will not last long, but the benefits will. He does not know any of these things, and cannot know them. He has not experienced pain like that before, and cannot possibly comprehend how it could be good for him. Bless his heart. Doesn't this sound familiar? All the trials and hardships in our lives are so painful at the time, and yet God promises that they are for our good. As we look back on them we understand that they turned out for good; in the midst of them we hurt, we do not understand. We cannot understand because we are not God.

The Lord says, "For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways...
For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways and my
thoughts than your thoughts." - Isiah 55:8

We scream and cry because of the pain. If only we knew what He knows. If only we knew that He understands how it feels because He was one of us. If only we knew that He was allowing the pain for our good, and that the pain is temporary. If only we knew that He was there "rocking" us, holding us close, loving us with a love beyond our comprehension.

"Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the
testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that
YOU MAY BE PERFECT AND COMPLETE, LACKING IN NOTHING." - James 1:2-4

"So we do not lose heart... For this slight momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal
weight of glory beyond all comparison..." - 2 Corinthians 4:17

It is amazing the things I am learning about God as Father through parenthood.

Family Ties

Clay's (and my) MeMaw came to meet Clayton and visit the family this past weekend. We spent most of the day Sunday in Clanton, where these pictures were taken.

My two favorite boys in the whole wide world.


Proud GiGi and G-Daddy


The whole Conner clan



G-Daddy can't wait to get a pellet gun in "Pablito's" ("little Paul") hands.


Beautiful sisters-in-law

Clayton's Voice

Clayton is seven weeks old today; I can hardly believe he's almost two months.

Clay and I talk with a slight speech impediment when we speak what we believe he is thinking, or what we think he would say if he could. He can be cwying, sweepy, fwustwated, or cuwious and smiwing... We sure do wove him...

Pics from this morning

Growing Strong

Clayton is growing so fast! He is holding his head up for short periods of time (as he is doing in this picture), smiling, staying awake longer, sleeping longer (ranging from 3 to 5 1/2 hours, praise the Lord!) and weighing about 9 lbs, 14 oz... I can hardly believe he is already 6 weeks, 2 days-- time flies!

Bathtime

Clay and I had such a good time giving Clayton a bath yesterday, and these pictures ought to give you some idea why. Look at those SMILES! He is smiling at us more and more these days, and we just can't get enough.

Look at my big tummy...

This is what Clay and I like to call the "stink eye"

This Colorful World

Clay put together this video (below) of the day of Clayton's arrival. That day, August 22nd, was both one of the hardest and yet happiest days of my life. Clay and I arrived at Labor and Delivery around 7:00 a.m. to start the induction. The first eleven hours of labor were not bad-- visiting with our family and friends was enjoyable, the anticipation was exciting, the epidural was effective... It was only the last two hours of pushing that were so difficult. I was already exhausted from lack of sleep and food when the pushing began, and I was fearful about what lay ahead. The pushing during each contraction required every ounce of physical and emotional strength I had within me; the breaks between contractions were hardly long enough to catch my breath. With each push, Clayton would make slight progress down the birth canal, but with each break from pushing, he seemed to sneak back toward my womb. He must have really liked it in there; he did not seem very interested in coming out just yet. After pushing for almost two hours, I had this feeling that we were close to a C-Section, but I hoped that would not happen, and thanks to the support and encouragement of Clay, Julie, and Erin, and the patience of Dr. Ross, (and the strong arm of the nurse pushing down on my uterus) I was finally able to push him out completely! What a moment; what emotion, what exhaustion, what relief... I couldn't help but cry when I saw his perfect, sweet face. He was, and is, beautiful. He is a gift from the Lord. He is our son. As difficult as those hours were, I would do it again in a heartbeat, and I wouldn't change a thing.

I love the lyrics to this song about the artist's (Eliot Morris) son being born. Here are the lyrics, written from the perspective of the newborn:

My world was closing in
so i thought id take things outside
The walls had gotten thin
the time was feeling just right
Darkness, dangers, cold the air that kissed my skin
Slowly, strangers turned to friends

And welcomed me to this colorful world
All things anew in this colorful world
Grey yields to blue in this colorful world
There's so much to do in this colorful world

The light let go my eyes
I measured all the earth known
I cant remember why
I felt like I had found home
Earthquakes, noises stole the peace i tried to keep
Slowly voices brought me sleep

And sleep leads to dreams of this colorful world
Dreams build machines in this colorful world
Grey yields to green in this colorful world
There's so much unseen in this colorful world

Wake me up and wipe the the clouds from my ears
Speak my name because i finally can hear clearly

This colorful world
All things are new in this colorful world
Grey yields to blue in this colorful world
Theres so much to do in this colorful world

Eliot Morris

Footsteps

Before you know it, Clayton will admire his Dad as the biggest, strongest, smartest man he knows. He will surely follow in Clay's footsteps. I can't wait to watch both of them when that happens.

Sleepy

Although what follows this yawn is mostly fussing and crying, I can't help but love it. We're both sleepy these days. I haven't slept more than 4 1/2 hours in over one month now, but he is worth every sleepless night and exhausting day.

War Eagle

Win or lose I'll always be an Auburn Tiger

Three Weeks Old

We can hardly believe that he is our son. It is amazing the smile he brings to my face, the tears to my eyes, the love to my heart...

Getting burped by Daddy. He makes this face every time and it makes me laugh out loud.

Those eyes make me melt.

Today

A lazy morning for Clayton and I

This one is my favorite

Clayton has several times during the day in which he is "alert", contentedly looking at the new world around him. One of those times is in the morning just after Clay leaves for work, and Clayton and I hang out for a couple of hours. These are pictures from our time together yesterday morning.

One Hundred Faces

It is amazing how much time you can spend simply looking at your newborn child. Clayton seems to make one hundred faces every minute. These are a few of my favorite.

Clay and I love how he wrinkles his forehead

Content

Can't wait until he smiles in response to us

Oh no

And we love his lips

Really, I love everything about this little boy-- his hundreds of faces, his lips, his hands, his feet, his hair, the way he lifts his knees when we pick him up, the way he sleeps with his hands by his head, the way his upper lip curls when he eats...