Change

I read this article yesterday about 30 things that change when you have a baby, and some of them I identified with so completely. Here are my top 10:

1. Where you once believed you were fearless, you now find yourself afraid. I have shared with many people that I always considered myself a very confident, competent, and capable person until Clayton came along. I have never felt more insecure, inadequate, intimidated, anxious and afraid than I did those first several weeks. As a matter of fact, just earlier today I was chatting with a friend who is also a new mom about how we never knew there was so much to worry about being a mom.

2. The sacrifices you thought you made to have a child no longer seem like sacrifices. I gave up a great job, thus giving up extra income we had grown accustomed to having. And yet just yesterday I was telling another friend who is a young mom that I would give up almost any comfort or pleasure that money can buy in order to be able to stay at home with Clayton each day. I'd rather buy a bouncy seat than those shoes I've been dying to have. I gave up sleep. It is amazing that even after he has kept me up most of the night, it is still the most wonderful thing in the world to wake up to Clayton's smiles and coos every morning. I have given up "freedom" and flexibility, but I don't mind going to bed at 9 p.m. on a Friday night. I wouldn't change anything for all the world.

3. You respect your parents and love them in a new way. I had NO idea the commitment, love, sacrifices, etc. that being a parent requires. It is both the best and the hardest thing I have ever done. I used to think it was hard being the child, being trained and disciplined. Ha. I'm afraid it is one of those things you just can't know until you are a parent yourself. Clayton will not know until he becomes a dad, but that's okay. A million thanks, mom and dad.

4. You find that your baby's pain feels much worse than your own. I can't tell you how many times I have sat on this couch and cried because he is crying. It is amazing to me how deeply tender my heart feels toward Clayton. I would willingly and gladly take his pain if there were some way I could. It broke my heart when I accidentally cut his finger as I was cutting his fingernails the first time. Oops!

5. Your heart breaks much more easily. My heart not only feels deeply tender toward Clayton, but more tender in general. It breaks my heart to think of orphans, children who suffer, God the Father sending his ONLY Son to suffer and die for me...

6. You think of someone else 234,836,178,976 times a day. (That's literally the number the author of the article wrote-- not just something I exagerrated). How true this is! Taking a shower is a luxury. You even look at your baby in the mirror instead of yourself. I don't have time to think about myself anymore, but I guess that's not such a bad thing!

7. Every day is a surprise. Yes, it is. Someone recently told me that as soon as you think you have your child figured out, he changes. I learned this a couple of weeks ago when Clayton, who had been fairly predictable up to that point, decided to change his nap patterns dramatically. Adaptability and flexibility are very important traits for a mommy to possess. I am learning every day.

8. You become a morning person. Whether you like it or not... I love to sleep. I always have loved to sleep. I miss sleep. I am intimately acquainted with each hour of the late night and early morning-- 2 a.m., 3 a.m., 5 a.m., 6 a.m... I now know where the sun comes from each morning. I laugh to myself when I roll over at 3:30 a.m. after hearing Clayton squirming and fussing and see him WIDE EYED. I don't love him one bit less for it.

9. Your love becomes limitless, a superhuman power. Clay and Clayton are the loves of my life. I have never before known love like this; it is fierce.

10. You discover strength you never thought you had. It is nothing but the grace of the Lord that gets me through each day and night. He gives me strength, patience, perseverance, wisdom, knowledge... "His grace is sufficient for my weakness".